omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
