booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I touched a dick in church today
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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