Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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