I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
