If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize