When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
