He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
