If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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