laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
