I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
