You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Randomize
