how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
