Four minutes until I can fart!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
