you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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