"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
