She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
