OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm jealous of your bromance
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
