I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
