i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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