I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a hot homeless man
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
