i already hear my dad disowning me
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
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