the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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