So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
