I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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