I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
