I faked an abortion last night.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
