So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
