my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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