why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize