Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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