So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How naked do you want me to be?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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