I wish I could punch you in the face.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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