she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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