New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
