Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
