The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
