apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
