between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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