woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
