I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
