cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
