Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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