u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
