go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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