So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I believe in your delicious
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
