I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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