Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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