I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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