I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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