Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
