Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
