I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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