I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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