I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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