I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
