Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize