I could make wine with my vomit
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
