My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
