remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
