Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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